real life things about the real life me

i feel so alone. i never have anything to do i dont have friends to hang with. i just wish someone would kill me already because right now death seems better then life. i mean how can i even call it life. its not. life is having fun doing stuff. but no not me. i get to have noone to talk to noone to hang out with. unless i hang out with my bf but i cant always depend on him to keep me entertained. i just dont know what to do anymore. please someone just come and kill me. shoot me in the head or something. 

haven't been on here in so long. did not have internet for a while. but i'm back and my life still sucks as usual. living on my own now though. but am very stressed. weed is the only thing that seems to keep me sane. i am latterly gonna kill myself soon. i don't know what to do. i feel so alone all the time and have like almost no friends. the people i can say are my friends i only hang out with at school or don't get to see them much. like seriously why i am i on earth if all my life has been is bullshit. wish i was never even born. to me my life seems like the never ending black hole. just falling and falling forever and ever. just don't know what to do anymore. almost ready to give up. i think people are my friends then they bitch at me and say im a horrible bitch and shit like that. well fuck you. atleast i dont have a bastard child. and if i did would be a better mom then you. you leave your baby in the car so you can come inside and smoke weed. you leave your baby screaming his head off because oh i need to finish these few hoots. seems like weed is more important then your kid. you complain about not having money for everything you need and complain that you wont be able to  buy stuff for your kid yet you spend so much fucking money on weed. weed is not addictive it is because you mix it with tobacco and that is addictive. so you know what fuck you. i am done doing stuff for you and being treated like shit. you and i are no longer friends your just my roommates girlfriend. have a nice life bitch.

hello all sorry i have not been on in a while lost my internet at home so i have not been able to go on. anyway having an okay life but with sooo much fucking confusion first i am moving then i am not then i am moving again man why can't i just make up my mind.  oh ya and josh oh wow josh every time i think of him i just feel like i can't fly he makes me so happy and because of him i have not cut in like forever because i promised him i won't and every time i go to do it i just burst out in tears that i would even think of it. i love him sooo much i did not think i could find anybody that makes me feel this way i thought it was just Hollywood crap that you see on TV but will never experience  it.  i never want to get married because i have hurd of to many bad marriages but he understands that and he said that when we are older and stuff that he will do common  law with me  and i told him that i want his baby because i want a cute little chubby baby and stuff like that well i can go on for ever about him but i got to go because i am at the library and my time is almost up ttyl love ya all

why does my life have to be soo hard it just seems like nothin goes right in my life now i mean yes i have my friends and all and they help me but they just don't understand what i am going through and the only one that does well he is having probalems of his own. oh ya and also i have started to cut again i did it on monday and than again just now... i feel so bad but it just feels so good. i love how the knife feels against my skin and how it stings then bleeds... i have tryed to kill my self like twice this week already and i have been sick for like 2 weeks.  my life is just sooo blah i sometimes wounder if i should just go past the point when i chicken out and go all the way and just die.

why does life have to suck so much... i feel like crying all the time and sometimes there is no reason to. my life just seems like it is going down the drain and that is all that is there.. i feel like i can't do anything right and i should have never been born. life is just such a bitch i feel like i jsut don't belong anywhere... i can't cut because i promised alot of people i won't...

fuck fuck fuck fuck i need to lose weight so fucking bad... i think i am gonna start to get up at 6 go for a run till 6:30 have a shower get ready and go to school. i just feel so fat... oh well ya anyhow josh broke up with me last wednesday and on friday another guy i like asked me out but now when i am with josh i am so happy but when he is not around i feel like i am gonna die... and last night i started to cut again... i feel so bad.. i just need him so bad and i told him how i feel and he said that he still likes me but right now he can't have a gf because he just feels like he can't treat me right if he does and mabey later down the road we might go out again. and also my parents don't understand me school is shit and i swer if this chick says one more thing i will punch her in the face... fuck so many feelings so little words... oh and i pretty much only eat supper but that is only so i atleast eat something and my parents don't know i am slowly going anerexec... fuck i don't know what to do oh and for the past week i have cried myself to sleep thinking of josh and i can't stop everthing makes me think of him anyhow kind of feel like crying now so i am gonna go

like why can't people just fucking say what they wanna say and don't worry about hurting my feelings like i have had my whole life were no one gives a shit why start now. and knowing me i am chicken shit and can't confront them about it... stupid stupid me actually thinking this will last like seriously why do i even go out with people they always break up with me for no reason or plan to and just don't have the guts to say they do. like suriously not even 2 weeks and i found out josh want to break up aperantly it is because he is not ready for a gf like how many times have i hurd that. i mean i realy realy like him and my friend said something about him wanting a relationship that will go somewhere and stuff well i would do that with him if he gave me the chance... then again  he has not done it yet so i don't know if he will but still he was thinking of it... *cry *cry* sigh oh well not gonna freak i am used to this but i was hoping it would last a long time i realy realy do like him like anything he want from me i will do i just realy like him and wanna stay with him...